• Home
• About

 >

• Anxiety and More…

  05Aug
  Categories: Black Days, General Update, Screaming In The Wind Comments: 6

  Friday is court day. I’m nervous, anxious, sad and angry. I’m also hopeful and happy and excited. I feel like I’m Bi-Polar.

  The last couple of days, as the court date grows closer, the first set of emotions seem to be taking over. I know what I am doing is the right thing. HusbandGuy doesn’t see it the same way, but I have no doubts that this truly is what has to happen.

  The hardest part of this whole thing? Yeah, it’s hurting him knowingly. Friday is going to suck for that reason.

  I could use some borrowed strength from my friends out there. Keep me in your thoughts and prayers? God knows, I need them.

• Black Day

  27Jan
  Categories: Black Days, Screaming In The Wind, Self-Improvement Comments: 10

  I seem to be having a bad day mentally today. I’m now recovering from my 2nd panic attack of the day. This one is out of the blue really. The other was brought on by thinking about things a lil too much and getting overwhelmed.

  I hate this crap. I just want my life to make SENSE again yanno? I want to be ME again not this… quivering… blubbering… hyperventilating… idiot that I seem to have become.

  I HATE the fear. I’m ANGRY at it for existing and being so God Damned deeply seeded that I can’t hack it out with a knife. I can’t control it. I’m desperate to do so… which … oddly enough… makes it worse.

  As I sit here typing all this out my heart is just fricking RACING with the fear. Fear of being judged. Fear of looking like a freak. Fear of saying the wrong thing. Fear of not ever being able to beat this crap down.

  I know this whole process isn’t going to be EASY… and it’s likely to get ugly and depressing to read about. If you don’t wanna be exposed to it… you might wanna step away from my blog for a while…

• Isn’t This Supposed to Make Me Feel BETTER?

  23Jan
  Categories: Black Days, Blogger Archives, Everyday Kindness, Screaming In The Wind, Self-Improvement Comments: 6

  So, today I started on Lexapro. Minimum dose. I don’t FEEL any different. What do you MEAN it doesn’t happen that fast? I need to be bettah NAO!

  Yeah… umm… Hi. The control freak in me is not happy. Go. Figure.

  I am trying to, as another blogger I respect a great deal says, “find my happy”. However, I want it found IMMEDIATELY… damnit! Sigh…

  My PCP advised me to find a therapist. There is ONE therapist, out here in the woods, that takes my insurance. THEY are not taking new patients. The insurance has granted me a waiver to go to someone out-of-network, which is GREAT! They’ll negotiate rates with them, blah blah blah. However, Yeah, I have to FIND them myself. *bangs head into desk* Ummm Hi. Remember me? The lady that can’t decide what to fix for dinner… YOU WANT ME TO FIND AND PICK MY OWN THERAPIST? WTF man? WTF??

  I know this process is painful and makes you deal with things you’d rather not. (And even more likely have managed NOT to deal with hence… the need for therapy) However, trial by fire is NOT MY FRIEND. Sigh…

  Ok… I just really needed to vent that out. ‘Cause… yanno… my bag of crazy… it’s gettin’ kinda… full. Heh.

  I am, however, trying some self-help stuff right now. I bought The Anxiety and Phobia Workbook by Edmumd J. Bourne, PhD. I’m only on page 10 but I’m making a concious effort to go slow and really ponder what applies and what doesn’t, as well as HOW it applies.

  It’s really interesting. I’ve already learned that my need to please, my expectations of perfection from myself and my control-freakishness are ALL symptoms of anxiety disorders. ALL. OF. THEM.

  Let me help you understand why that’s a big deal here: I HAVE ALWAYS BEEN LIKE THAT! ALWAYS!
  I truly do not remember a time in my life where those particular facets of who I am did not exist.

  You may be asking yourself, “So… Ok. What does that mean… exactly.” It means I’ve probably always needed the help I’m finally getting at the age of 40. It MEANS I probably wouldn’t be Crazy McDepressionPants had a lot of things been different. It MEANS… after 40 years… maybe there’s hope that I can be “normal”, whatever the hell that is, eventually and that the underlying sadness I feel… the apathy I feel… the ache I feel… really ARE because I’m defective… and not because I deserve it. Maybe it really isn’t because I deserve it.

  Maybe.