Hi there. **Blinks at the bright lights** I, um, yeah. I’ve been gone a while. A few friends have asked me why I stopped posting to my blog. Well…
Life is good. Life is steady. Life is moving forward.
I’ve felt like I don’t have anything to say these days because life has been so very… normal. I start to blog and then think, “No one wants to hear this stuff. There’s nothing juicy. There’s nothing interesting going on.” So, I’ve been silent.
Then my friend Cylithria poked her head out at me and basically told me to Shut the hell up and just POST. LOL. People, my friends, my family DO wanna know what’s going on. So… I’m starting again. Starting over…
The biggest thing in my life these days is the fact that I just turned 41. How weird is that? I honestly don’t feel a bit older than I did when I was 21. I mean, yes, the bod is showing signs of wear and tear, but I mean mentally. It’s hard to reconcile myself to the fact that I’m this old chronologically.
Now, I don’t want you to misunderstand. I’m not rending my clothes and beating my breast bone about it. However, where 40 didn’t bother me, 41 does.
You see, when J and I started talking about marriage we also talked about kids. He would like for us to have one. I said I’d be willing to give that a go. It has to happen before I turn 45 though. I’m 10 years older than I was when I had Shecky. I’m actually close to the same weight as I was when I was pregnant with him, but my health is not as good. I have diabetes and high blood pressure. Secondary infertility due to age, weight and other health concerns loom like the damn “Sword of Damocles”.
My 41st birthday brings with it a TON of pressure. I’m THAT much closer to 45. Wanna know the worst part? The pressure isn’t coming from J. It’s coming from within. He’s ok with it either way. He’s not going to divorce me if I don’t produce a child. I feel like I’ll fail him in a huge way if I don’t.
The shit we do to ourselves, eh?
6 Responses
February 1st, 2010 at 8:47 pm
((hug)) Maybe you’re not in control this time.
February 1st, 2010 at 8:49 pm
bout damn time you came back
Love you and glad to see you back blogging. It’s about time lady. We’ve all missed ya.
February 1st, 2010 at 8:49 pm
I never thought I’d say this but “Let go, and let God”
If it’s meant to happen it will. What you need to do right now is focus on getting yourself healthy. Even if you are not meant to have another child, you are giving your husband, and your son, more of you, more time with you
Love you!!
February 1st, 2010 at 8:52 pm
Maybe a biological child isn’t in your future, but what about adoption? Either way, I think you’ll do whatever you can to make your dreams come true. I am so happy that you are in a good place now!
xoxoxo
February 2nd, 2010 at 5:42 am
Age ain’t nothing but a number — and i say this as someone who is ahead of you on that timeline. But I get this — and as the old song says que sera, sera. What will be will be. You’ll find peace and balance with this — and whatever that may be will be OK. Promise.
February 2nd, 2010 at 5:49 pm
Oh do I totally understand honey. I’m 40 this year and hubby is starting to talk about surrogates and I’m trying to not tell him to go to hell because if we could afford a surrogate we could afford private adoption.
I wish you all the best with this endeavor and I’m here if you need an ear.
And remind me to thank Cyli Lady for finally getting you back on here.
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