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• Little Disappointments, Big Steps

  29Oct
  Categories: Family, Screaming In The Wind, Therapy Notes Comments: 5

  The last few days have been odd. I’ve been hit with nausea, listlessness, other issues. At first, we thought, Oy… stomach… flu.

  As the days progressed we wondered…. Could it be? Was I possibly?

  We looked at the calendar. Counted back the days. Holy. Crap. I just MIGHT be.

  I didn’t allow myself to dwell on it… well, not TOO much.

  Another couple of days passed and the nausea was less… but still there. So were the other issues. I began to hope a little more. My friends that I had blabbed my suspicions to began to get more excited about the prospect as well. As did J.

  Then, the BIG realization that Aunt Flow had missed her monthly visit. I was a week late. That is TRULY when I started to believe. I could be pregnant. I got excited. We bought a test. I took it this morning.

  Negative.

  I cried for 4 hours this morning. I cried a little more this afternoon.

  It’s amazing how much you want something… yet don’t realize the depth of the want and need until it’s … gone.

  The thing is, I know I’m ready now. Not physically. I have more weight to lose. I have to get in better shape. However, in my heart, I’m ready to love another child.

  See, for a long time I worried. I loved Shecky so fiercely, so much, that I worried that I wouldn’t be ABLE to love another child the same. I can. That’s a huge change for me.

  Now I just have to get my body ready again!

• Loss of Direction

  24Oct
  Categories: Blogger Archives Comments: 7

  I’ve been trying to will a friend to live.

  I spend as much time as I can talking to them. Trying to find a way to give them hope that this is not the end. I try to cheer them. I try to support them. I try to lend them my strength mentally, emotionally… I would do it physically if it were possible.

  I don’t have much left to give them. My will isn’t strong enough for the both of us. I wish to God it was. I can literally FEEL them slipping away. Further from hope. Further from strength. Closer to the abyss. Closer to the end.

  I’m at a loss. I’m at a crossroads. I don’t know if I should keep pushing. If I should keep trying to get them to believe it’s not the end; keep trying to keep them from saying their goodbyes so soon.

  We have many friends in common, this person and I. I know some of them feel this same frustration and sense of impending loss and doom. I can’t seem able to talk to any of them about it. I fear speaking of it, putting it out there in the universe, will make it so.

  I don’t want to have to explain to Shecky that this person is no more. He adores them. Thinks they hung the moon. I’m not sure I could properly console him in the face of my own loss and despair this time.

  

  I am at a total loss here. I don’t know where to go. I don’t want to go where logic says this will end.

• People Who Pray

  22Oct
  Categories: Everyday Kindness, Family, Friends, Screaming In The Wind Comments: 4

  I am a believer. I am not religious. I do not worship as a Roman Catholic, a Southern Baptist, a Methodist, a Morman or any other “named religion”. I believe in a higher power.

  I have a very dear, very special friend who is dying. She has Lupus. She has cancer. Her body is failing her and it is wasting away. She has lost 20 pounds in the last 7-9 days. The doctors have told her there is nothing else they can do. Her body has to right itself on its own.

  Most of you that read my blog know her. Cylithria of Why Not, Right is the friend I speak of. I don’t ask for much out of the world. Just that I find and surround myself with good, loving people who make the world a place worth being a part of. Cylithria is one of those people.

  The world would be so much less without her in it.

  I’ve seen the internet and blogosphere pull together for children, families in need and people with cancer. I’ve seen it offer support, prayer and help to people going through divorce, through therapy, and through deaths.

  Please, I beg of you. Pray for her. Send her healthy, healing energy. However you worship, whatever you believe, lift her up?

  I believe in the power of prayer. I believe in the power of love. I believe in the power of the internet to pull people together.

  Lift her up.