Yesterday was a bit better. I ate a lot of fruit during the day. Choosing to make these changes while dealing with PMDD may sound Crazy Cakes to most of you but I did it to prove a point to myself.
I control my relationship with food… IT… does not control me.
That may seem like a really simple concept to most of you, but to people who eat as an emotional salve or a coping mechanism it’s a damn hard lesson to understand. It’s an even harder one to master.
I eat when stressed, depressed, overwhelmed, overtaxed, or worried. I eat in celebration and socially. I eat out of boredom. Food became my drug of choice a long, LONG time ago without my ever realizing the problem.
Here is the crux of my problem. I am addicted to eating. Not to FOOD… but to eating. The actual ACTION of eating. It comforts. It calms. It occupies.
How do you beat an addiction to something that is NECESSARY for you to live? You can’t just STOP EATING like people who smoke stop smoking, people who are alcoholics stop drinking, or drug addicts stop taking the drugs.
Beating an addiction to eating becomes a control issue. THIS I can do. THIS I can handle. I… am a control freak. CONTROLLING MYSELF SHOULD BE A SNAP.
The addiction was born out of eating being one of the few things I felt I had control over. Because it was in my sphere of control… I ate. When everything else around me was insane and spinning OUT of my control… I could eat. It was always there. Always an option. Always a choice.
Today I’m choosing NOT to eat out of fear, boredom, sadness or shame. Today I start controlling the eating… and not the other way around. Today I take back control of myself… not my life… but MYSELF… and then I start over tomorrow… and the next day… and the next….
4 Responses
July 11th, 2009 at 10:07 pm
WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOT!!
I’m so proud of you.
The daily choice is something I am learning. I learned to make the choice to be happy daily … I have been learning to make the choice to be healthy daily, too.
Love you.
July 12th, 2009 at 9:03 am
I am really proud too! I am working on the choice to be happy daily. I was working on the eating too but then I got really unhappy and had to refocus for a bit. Now I need to get back to the being healthier thing cuz in the long run, it will make me happier!!
July 13th, 2009 at 12:07 pm
I’m so proud of you. Where are your knitting needles? You could keep your hands occupied with those? I know it helps me! XOXXO
July 13th, 2009 at 2:07 pm
They are upstairs by my bed actually. I could give it a go again. I gave up on it when after a month of trying I STILL couldn’t purl… damnit!
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