Today is the last day of 2008. Holy shit people! Where did the time go? It seems like the start of 2008 was just a few days ago!
The end of a year always brings me to a place of reflection and introspective thoughts. This year it seems to be happening to an even greater extent than usual. See, I turn 40 in a few weeks.
40. That’s a huge damn number for me. Yesterday I made mention of the fact that I would soon be 40 and I wasn’t sure how I felt about that. My Plurk friends jumped in with words of encouragement and wisdom about 40 not being a big deal. They’re great like that.
As I was reading their comments, I realized something. Turning 40 wasn’t REALLY what I’m having an issue with. It’s where I am in life that’s actually bothering me.
By 40 I was supposed to have 2 kids probably in their mid to late teens. I have an 8 year old son.
AT 40, we were supposed to be home owners. I live with my parents and HusbandGuy lives in a hotel 150 miles away from me.
When I was 40 I was supposed to be making headway in my career. I was supposed to have made waves and advances and been climbing the ladder to success. I’m a substitute teacher with no degree and no career.
NOTHING is where I planned for it to be. The control freak in me is SCREAMING with frustration and disappointment. Yet…
I love my son and wouldn’t trade him for the world. I’m not sure it would be FAIR to another child to come into this family. I fear, with as much as I love my son, I could never love another the same way.
I live on the shores of a lake. I live in a community that I am not afraid to let my kid go outside and play in. I live surrounded by nature and fresh air. Yeah, it’s not MINE. However, it’s quite lovely for the time being.
I’m back in college trying to get that damned degree in psychology. I’ve already hit some stumbling blocks. Time management issues. Financial Aid issues. I’ve found solutions for them all and I’m loving learning.
I ADORE substitute teaching. The two classes that I have subbed for now run up to me when they see me at the school and smother me with hugs. “You’re the best sub EVAR!” I’ve been told more than once. They are darling. They are whip smart. They are mine in a small, selfish way.
My life is good. It’s not what I envisioned in my omniscient early adult years, but it IS good. I’m not to old to get to where I wanted my life to be… I’m just too impatient.
Here’s to 2009. The year I get a grip and realize I can’t force life into the frame I’ve picked for it. The year I realize I can’t control EVERYTHING. The year I grow up just a little more.
Happy New Year.
I’ll be back tomorrow. Promise.
